Cat Times at Maxton High

As a young boy, I had a couple cats, one was named Bridgette, and one Casey. Bridgette just showed up at our door one day, Casey was a gift.

Casey was an aggressive little fuck, no one could even touch him but dad. Bridgette was sweet as strawberry pie. They both got shot when we came back from our trailer (we used to live in a trailer sometimes) and had piss all over the place to clean.

My next cat experience, other than lovely little affairs with Drama, Hanky the retard, and Twila the Queen, comes from the Dr., Freeman Mittens.

Freeman is a funny cat, because I was too young to remember living with kitteh's and he is one. Every morning, or night, he will run around like one of Holly's patients, wanting to see what I'm up to. I'm the first one up, and I go upstairs at night to get ready for bed, while Adam and Jessie pretty well live mostly downstairs.

Freeman's funny trait is feet biting and screen climbing. He bites feet thinking they are spiders, or plants, and he climbs our screeen doors (causing no problem, although if we aren't home, I don't know how he gets down.)

Hanky has a funny trait too, he likes to have his head jerked off. You sort of pretent he has a horse penis for a head and rub it (the tip) to and fro. He loves it, he's a deviant.

Twila, seems pretty ho-hum. This is what Holly and I call boring things. Not to say that it's not a good thing for a cat to be boring.

Here's some info on the biting phenomenon:

"Cats, especially kittens, love to play. Abruptly ending a play session is an extremely powerful reprimand. With a few repetitions, kitty will learn that it is his own overly rambunctious or aggressive behavior that brings an end to all the fun.

While your cat is learning not to bite and claw you, it is equally as important that you provide kitty with something he can pounce on, attack, grab with his claws and sink his teeth into.

Unless your cat has real prey to hunt, you are going to have to provide the play prey. If you simply toss a few toys on the floor, your cat may give them a few swats then quickly lose interest. It is up to you to make the toys fun. Play should be an interactive game between you and your cat. Tie a toy to the end of a length of string. Drag it around your house with kitty in pouncing pursuit. Pet stores are full of both inexpensive and exotic toys for your cat. Use your imagination and create your own toys. The idea is to stimulate your cat's interest and participation. Two 15 minute play sessions a day will work wonders in venting your cats excess energy as well as fulfilling his predatory instincts."

citing : http://www.perfectpaws.com/agg.html

All in all, a visiting cat works for us, full time would not work. Freeman is so cute, but he can be annoying. I will miss him when he's gone though.

Breathalyzing Bruno

Yeah so we get pulled over on the nicholas onramp. Have to roll down window, guy asks us if we've had anything to drink, I say yeah, 2 or 3, he says he can smell it, he can smell it on her too (Holly).

"Pull up in front of the green car please sir, I'll need to test you and check your license."

Great, I'm freaking out, what if I'm not perfectly fine, what if the machine messes up, what if I mess up, what if I can't do it, what if I freak out and he thinks I'm drunk or something or insane and he arrests me?

He comes to get me and Holly stays in the car.

"Watch your feet, there isn't much leg room."

"What do you mean?"

"Like in the back of the car."

"Oh"

"So, have you ever been taken one of these before?", "no, ok, you get 5 tries, if you don't do it right all 5 times, it's the same as failing the test, you go to jail, I take your license, and the car is impounded if your wife can't drive."

ok great, now I'm effing about to lose it, must focus, teach me how to do this thing, oh man, oh no, I'll mess up, I know it, this is it, I'm going to jail, I'm getting rped tonight.

"So, you blow hard, not too soft, for 8 seconds, constant stream of air, don't break the stream or it will fail, don't blow too soft or it will fail, don't stop blowing or it will fail, wait for the go light or it will fail, watch me do one and then you go, ok"

"wait a minute, how do I know when 8 seconds is up?"

he wasn't understanding this, we agreed after a lengthy back and forth that he would say keep going keep going and then stop. I agreed. I've long ago decided in these situations to be as submissive as possible. I am a sheep, I am a baby, I am a child, teach me, yell at me, call me dumb, you are the smart one, I am your prisoner, just don't hurt me or arrest me. This is what they want, and I will give it to them to get what I want.

give me the thing through the speaking prisoner hole.

I insert my own prepackaged mouthpiece.

"Keep going, keep going, keep going, [I figure 8 seconds have passed, I stop], ok, good. Sir, have you had anything to drink tonight at all??"

"Yeah, I had 3 drinks, but they were really spaced out, like dinner was at 8 it's 1.30 now, and last one I shared with my wife, here she comes now actually"

I go, you thought you had me eh, he says, no, we laugh. Holly sees us laughing and her worry of me being in the back of the car is alleviated. I tested 0.0024. Limit is 0.08. We have a few laughs, shake hands, and we're off.

Next time I won't be so honest.

As far as Bruno goes, it won't do as well as Borat cause people are afraid to like it cause they think watching gay stuff will turn them gay. This is a weird thing, I can admit that when I was little, I was worried I'd turn gay. But it's impossible, you can't turn one thing or another. If you like guys, you will stay liking guys, if you like girls the same, some people like both.

Anyways, if you are comfortable enough with a seeing peepees and bum bums to watch Bruno, you will find it to be one of the funniest movies of all time. Some comedies these days have the best parts in the previews, but Bruno saves the best parts for the movie. I actually was too scared to eat my popcorn, there were no parts were I wasn't laughing. One point I thought I might have to leave cause I couldn't stop laughing.

I can't wait to go again. And then buy it. Better than Borat, hands down, tied behind back, gagged, with apple in mouth, etc..

Algae Update

Allright, so I went to the pet store, looking for the fish I spoke about (Algae eaters.)

I talked with an expert, she told me the fish would die in the pond immediately cause they need constant heat, which is just something I cannot offer. She did recommend a liquid medicine called sludge remover. She only had industrial quantities so I vowed to return at a later date and we parted ways.

Earlier in the day I was able to scoop out a lot of the green and fling it into the garden. It smells really bad. She said it's fish waste. I think what happened was that I put those white bricks into the pond, that fed the fish while we were away, they ate too much, like at a buffet, and shat all over the place (like after a buffet.)

The video shows before I cleaned it and some cleaning.

Now the pond looks a bit better. Also, I took out a lot of big rocks so the fish have no where to hide. They are always visible, this is what I want. No more friends coming over and having them embarass me by all hiding.

Also, the big rocks make it hard to clean away the algae, so now i can scoop it up.

Stephen King's The Algae

I dedicate this post to Ben and my mom, happy 27th and 65th respectably.

As you might already know, the pond has been overrun by this underwater disease known as Algae.

If you've seen or read Stephen King's The Myst, you know what the fish are going through. They get stuck in it. Visibility is poor, and it's disgusting.

I have to routinely check to make sure none of our little pals are tied up and can't eat their food.

I can come up with some causes.

1) Alex put it in. Maybe it's a French Canadian prank that when you turn 30, or are taking care of a house, you punk someones pond with vast quantities of Algae.

2) It's coming from leaves. The leaves fall in, from the insane jungle that came about in our backyard. Once the leaves dissolve in the water, they turn to green goo?

3) The fish are making it from their poo poo? Maybe too many fish = green goo??

The Solution:

1) Now, last night there were many people at my moms party. I spoke with some about the issue, one gentleman scholar (actually a dumb guy), told me I could acquire Algae eater fish for 29 cents. This is very appealing.

2) I tried putting in like half a bottle of pond clarifyer juice. This might have made it worse. The juice stuff has bacteria in it. Maybe it caused it?

3) Contact the weirdo guy from Richie's Feed and Seed. He is an expert. This might take the fun out of it though. I like Science experiments.

4) Bring in Peter Dornan. If you are reading this, I would like you to try and develop some sort of chemical at your lab pls.

5) Be a vengeful god and put in chlorine. This is last resort. I don't think I would be able to do this. But I suppose I will do this only after all the sea society of sinners has perished.

Please post your suggestions. I'm going to make a video once I get home and have the camera. You will be amazed/disgusted/appalled.

Peace be with you.

Las Vegas Final Summary

(I dedicate this post to Alex, happy 30^th bday Alex, what an accomplishment!!) 

The People 

The education system is really bad, the money is just not there to fund the public schools.  People I talk to on the phone just don’t know how to do their jobs like here.  My brother phones to order a pizza, calling a place that is a mile away, and they don’t know our street.  He has to say adjacent streets until she recognizes one.  Then he has to give them directions.  She didn’t know how to use google maps? 

The person I called about an airport shuttle recommended I take the city bus to sight see.  What the heck?  They are all retarded.  

The Crime 

We were in what was described to us by our cab driver who took us from the airport, by way of the longest route possible, an ethnic area.  I’m not a racist, so these are his words.  But it was a tough area, if that’s what he meant, I’ll agree with him on it. 

We went to a grocery store, only to see a man in his forties talking on a cell phone and dressed well leaving being chased by security.  He was stealing a can of apple juice.  He just gave it back. 

We went to a Liquor store, right out of Boyz in the Hood (sign that said the cameras are connected directly to the Police station).  People all tatted up, no shirts on, we just wanted some Champagne for our wedding. 

The driving on the streets was worse than Quebec.  I’d have Holly with a map full time and I’d constantly ask for my next move.  Only focusing on the road, everyone was speeding, taxi’s everywhere, and construction was rampant.  Holly refused to ever drive. 

The Downtown 

I was told by the man that picked us up and took us to the rental car place that the downtown was very safe because there are cops and security camera’s everywhere.  OK...  We only went downtown to get the marriage license and that was it. 

The Radio 

I always thought the radio stations in Grand Theft Audio were satire, they’re not.  One radio station was hosted by Ryan Seacrest.  One was pretty decent, played alternative, but also had Eminem and Snoop Dogg?  It was weird, on the weekend they had a flashback weekend and older songs like the Sweater Song (not old at all), had the DJ repeatedly saying how old he was when it was new (like I was in grade 1 when this came out!!).  Like a) who cares, you're like 21 or something, and b) you’re mental, shut up. 

Some stations just had Spanish music and they were fun. 

The Strip 

The strip is where all the Casinos and Hotels are located.  It is huge, you can’t walk the whole thing, and is tons of fun.  Nothing is realistic about it.  You can walk around drunk, and with open alcohol.  You can do almost anything.  Our limo driver for our wedding had to explicitly tell us not to have sex in his limo.  

It is a Liberal paradise.  All it needs is Gay marriage, and maybe a few other things I’m forgetting. 

Parking is all free.  Food is cheap.  Booze is cheap.  Restaurants are cheap if you go to the right ones (buffets, which are amazing).  Shows aren’t too bad pricewise.  Exhibits are cheap.  

The Casinos and Hotels aren’t really themed as they are dedications or replications of what they are based on.  Architects from whatever area or specialty are brought in to give the place the correct look and feel and the result is amazing.  It is not what I was expecting at all.  You could go just to admire the architecture, the sculptures, and the art. 

The Gambling 

The gambling is not something I’m personally into.  I find that if the odds are against you, you shouldn’t really waste your money trying to get lucky.  But I understand the rush you get when trying.  

I used to enjoy gambling when the loss was my own, but since my money has been combined with Holly’s I would feel guilty doing something I inherently know is stupid. 

My brother only plays poker, and I think this is the smartest thing to do.  At least with this game you are not playing against the “house” and with odds always against you.  You are playing against human beings, with the “house” taking a piece of every hand you play.  I only recommend this if you are sure that you are better than the players you are playing against.  I don’t play. 

The Shows 

Cirque du Soleil is amazing.  It’s as close to an acid trip as I hope I’ll ever get.  You can just sit, listen, zone out and marvel at how insanely messed up what you’re seeing is.  I love it. 

I highly recommend LOVE and I recommend KA.  LOVE is basically a bunch of Beatles soundtracks with an ongoing story through time and some of their life stories.  I love the Beatles so it was pretty sick for me.  KA is a story about two kids, a prince and princess.  It had the most elaborate set I have ever seen.  I tried to video it but got caught so I only got a small sample. 

These shows are something else. 

The Wedding 

Our wedding was as beautiful a ceremony as I could have hoped for.  I will tell you that I was worried about the prospect of having a bad Minister, or a jerk Photographer, but this was not the case. 

They were both great, everything went very smoothly.  Ceremony was very quick and our vows were very emotional and very nice.  I’m very glad we do not have to say it was a day we survived and we can say it was a day we loved and celebrated. 

Overall 

Being the way I am, I was leery of Vegas with its flashy lights and gambling and that.  But what I found was a good heart and beauty where I was expecting cold capitalism.  If you think you can control the urge to gamble away your future, go, it’s a good time. 

One funny plus we noted was that it was our first real vacation where we didn’t have to worry about eating the food and getting sick.  I’ve been to the Dominican Republic 3 times and Mexico once before this trip. 

And note that this was my first time in the United States in about 12 years.

Just Married

This just in, Tom and Holly are officially husband and wife!! Congrats to you both. The Vegas paparazzi were quick to snap a pic and send it our way. Looking Hot!
Looking forward to a celebration. See you soon.

vegas 2

Yesterday we went to the marriage bureau, rented a car, went to see cirque du soleil ka, and saw the bellagio fountain.

Vegas Time

Ok, this is going to be constantly unpolished.  Videos out of order, but I'm busy and I have to take naps.  I think they are in order.

Vegas is a fun time.  The house is far from the strip.  My bro cant rent a car cause hes too young so I had to.  Chevy cobalt, cherry red mofo.  It's a blast.  Driving here is weird.  No money spent on infrastructure.  The gap between rich and poor is huge.  Help me Obama.

The strip is huge, day 1 consisted of buses and public transpo is bad here.   Long walks and Holly can't take it.  In the desert you need a camel.  Anyone catch Conan?  I missed it.  We've been eating lunch buffets, still on eastern time, delicious food, real cheap. 

Today we went to a real sketchy XO liquor store, black guys with shirts off and Spanish guys.  Easy to get racist here.  It was pretty scary.  Video monitor connected to police station.

Went to grocery store, parking lot filled with security, guy stole a appy juice, securidado caught him and he just bailed, he was like 40, sad.

The Life and Death of Big Boss

Ok, this video explains the revelation from neighbour Brigit.  I sincerely hope that it doesn't offend anyone.

By the way, I have my ring now.  I'm wearing it.  It's pretty cool.  Some things are different like washing my face.  I took it off to shower, I don't know if this is common or not.  It fits real well.  I have to wiggle it to take it off, but I figured out that you can twist it like a screw and this gets it off without it being abbrassive to your finger.

Because of these technical difficulties I will be hosting the videos on youtube.  Let me know if you are having issues watching them.

Instructional Feeding Videos!

Ok, today Holly and I are hosting a mother's day / Victoria Secret Day brunch.

This reminded me that I should put up the instructional videos on feeding fish that I made last week up. I didn't think they were very good cause of length issues in production, but, there is 10 minutes of film here so buckle up and watch it over lunch or while your boss is gone poo or something. I wanted to induce a feeding frenzy and forgot that it doesn't happen automatically.

Today I have just filmed another video after a starking revelation from my neighbour. Look for that.

Also, last night Holly and I went to see Angel's and Demon's. Pretty good, much better than the piece of crap Da Vinci Code, but you know, not that great. They took out some stuff from the book that was ridiculous, and it was an enjoyable time. I recommend. Also, Holly was happy that Tom Hanks got rid of his goofy haircut. Ewan McGreggor has not been a very good actor since Trainspotting. Maybe Star Wars has ruined his career.