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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Breathalyzing Bruno

Yeah so we get pulled over on the nicholas onramp. Have to roll down window, guy asks us if we've had anything to drink, I say yeah, 2 or 3, he says he can smell it, he can smell it on her too (Holly).

"Pull up in front of the green car please sir, I'll need to test you and check your license."

Great, I'm freaking out, what if I'm not perfectly fine, what if the machine messes up, what if I mess up, what if I can't do it, what if I freak out and he thinks I'm drunk or something or insane and he arrests me?

He comes to get me and Holly stays in the car.

"Watch your feet, there isn't much leg room."

"What do you mean?"

"Like in the back of the car."


"So, have you ever been taken one of these before?", "no, ok, you get 5 tries, if you don't do it right all 5 times, it's the same as failing the test, you go to jail, I take your license, and the car is impounded if your wife can't drive."

ok great, now I'm effing about to lose it, must focus, teach me how to do this thing, oh man, oh no, I'll mess up, I know it, this is it, I'm going to jail, I'm getting rped tonight.

"So, you blow hard, not too soft, for 8 seconds, constant stream of air, don't break the stream or it will fail, don't blow too soft or it will fail, don't stop blowing or it will fail, wait for the go light or it will fail, watch me do one and then you go, ok"

"wait a minute, how do I know when 8 seconds is up?"

he wasn't understanding this, we agreed after a lengthy back and forth that he would say keep going keep going and then stop. I agreed. I've long ago decided in these situations to be as submissive as possible. I am a sheep, I am a baby, I am a child, teach me, yell at me, call me dumb, you are the smart one, I am your prisoner, just don't hurt me or arrest me. This is what they want, and I will give it to them to get what I want.

give me the thing through the speaking prisoner hole.

I insert my own prepackaged mouthpiece.

"Keep going, keep going, keep going, [I figure 8 seconds have passed, I stop], ok, good. Sir, have you had anything to drink tonight at all??"

"Yeah, I had 3 drinks, but they were really spaced out, like dinner was at 8 it's 1.30 now, and last one I shared with my wife, here she comes now actually"

I go, you thought you had me eh, he says, no, we laugh. Holly sees us laughing and her worry of me being in the back of the car is alleviated. I tested 0.0024. Limit is 0.08. We have a few laughs, shake hands, and we're off.

Next time I won't be so honest.

As far as Bruno goes, it won't do as well as Borat cause people are afraid to like it cause they think watching gay stuff will turn them gay. This is a weird thing, I can admit that when I was little, I was worried I'd turn gay. But it's impossible, you can't turn one thing or another. If you like guys, you will stay liking guys, if you like girls the same, some people like both.

Anyways, if you are comfortable enough with a seeing peepees and bum bums to watch Bruno, you will find it to be one of the funniest movies of all time. Some comedies these days have the best parts in the previews, but Bruno saves the best parts for the movie. I actually was too scared to eat my popcorn, there were no parts were I wasn't laughing. One point I thought I might have to leave cause I couldn't stop laughing.

I can't wait to go again. And then buy it. Better than Borat, hands down, tied behind back, gagged, with apple in mouth, etc..